Once upon a time I got really lost. Like, what am I doing with my life, I’m an imposter, I don’t belong here, lost. Like- what the hell am I doing and why am I so fucking unhappy, lost. I had taken the bits of me that made me, me, and stuffed them down so deep I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I was overweight, and under stimulated in all the important ways and overstimulated in all the wrong ways and went through my days feeling like I couldn’t ever do the right things for myself or the people around me. And while most of those thoughts weren’t grounded in any reality, and most people in my life would call me an overachiever… I was still so lost.
I started to become deeply sad. I pulled away from my husband and I masked all day like the bad bitch I am, and let me tell you… I can mask with the absolute best of ‘em. That’s the thing about growing up with trauma. In my past, I've had some very difficult things happen to me. I was in an extremely abusive relationship in high school. When I finally had the courage to get out, did I stop to heal? Not this kid. I ended up doing a year of study abroad and then college, moved back home and got two jobs. I hit the GAS.
You see, some people when they struggle- they stop, or they slow way down, their sadness and depression pushing them into the floor. I would consider myself a gas pedal-er. When things got hard and I didn’t know how to process, I hit the gas and never stopped. I made myself so busy, took on extra things and even other people’s problems, so I never… ever, had to be alone with that scary thing called myself. Yep… Gas pedal. The worse I felt, the harder I pressed.
And here is something really, really hard to admit. I masked so well (and still do some days) that I can count the people I have really showed my full self to, on one hand. It’s not that I was fake. I just stayed inside, never truly letting out the full person I was. I held back. Nikki on full Nikki mode? I never really went there. I never wanted to upset anyone and so, if someone did something hurtful, I ate it. If someone manipulated or wronged me, I gave ten chances. I became what people around me, needed me to be. I didn’t care about what was best for me, or what I wanted to do. Nope. Instead I did what I had to do and pushed and pushed until I was so burned out, so lost and deflated, that I felt like an imposter in almost every space I entered. I put myself last on a very very long list and considered myself some type of hero and waited around for the hero committee to come give me my medal and then permission to start living how I wanted to live.
Now- I know some people won’t be able to relate to what I am saying. But those who get it- get it. Gas Pedal people, they’re often running so hard and so fast from their own healing, they will do anything to not have to face their trauma and their pain. They will drive their kids everywhere and slug around on 3-4 hours of sleep and answer the calls of friends who need them, and they genuinely will want to put everyone else first. Gas pedal people often times go too fast, and way too far and that gets them so lost in life, burnout is inevitable. But why? Why do we do what we do?
This is the hard part. This is the part that breaks my heart and makes me want to hug little 4 year old me and tell her she is enough. At one point, gas pedal people, we somehow got the message that the more we sacrifice ourselves, and make everyone else feel ok… the more we say yes and give 110% and do for everyone around us and achieve, the more we will catch up to the worth everyone else already has. Deep down, we secretly are trying to “earn” the right to be happy. Because we internally blame ourselves for the pain we are in and we subconsciously tell ourselves it’s all our fault. We survived traumas and we pushed it down, maybe even told ourselves we somehow deserved it. We didn’t sink into the floor. We used shame and lack of control, only to become control freaks in all other aspects of our lives. Sound familiar anyone? We do and we do and we wait for some trophy to be dropped off at our doorstep that says… “now you can be happy. Now you can be free. Take your foot off the gas babes”. But that day never comes.
Instead we teach the people in our lives that we will do no matter what. We teach our loved ones that they come first. And its not a bad thing…until it is, ya know? We get more depleted and the new burn out mixes with the old unhealed trauma and we can’t lose weight and we wake up tired and we go the Dr. and they say everything is fine and now we feel even more crazy and that trophy still never comes. And you know what, it never will.
I gassed it through my life, until the universe, quite literally, knocked me out cold. Now, that full story is one for another day, but I like to tell people it was like the universe bitch slapped me in the face. My mom, my husband, everyone around me had been telling me to slow down and do less for years, but I knew better. Nikki was gonna to do what Nikki was gonna do. Until… WHAM. In a very scary moment, my whole life changed. The entire event making me hit the brakes in a way that I hadn’t in years. That traumatic event, it was like someone ripped the band-aid off of an old scar, and all my hurts and trauma that I had shoved down so deep started pouring out all at once. And I couldn’t stop it. For weeks I walked around in a daze of anxiety and sadness. It was like the gate had been opened and I couldn’t make it stop.
Because guess what. You can stuff shit down and think you’re a baddy and be unbothered. But that stuff always comes back. It always bubbles back to the surface, and finds it way out. It may be a week later, a month, or ten years. But no one gets away with not processing the hard stuff. It took me a long time, 3 years to be exact, of self-help books, therapy sessions, heart to hearts with my mom, great discussions with good friends, quality time with my beautiful children and husband. I had spent so much time worrying about my weight, my kids activities, and everyone else but me… I finally had this aha moment. None of that will matter if I don’t dive deep and fix those broken parts. It won’t matter if I lose the weight, if my head and heart is still broken. My kids will never get the best version of me, if I consciously choose to not heal. My husband will never get to know the wife I want to be, if I choose to stay closed off. I woke up and started looking in the mirror and finally, easing my foot off the pedal.
Now I would be a liar, if I told anyone that this isn’t something I want to revert back to every day of my life. As a reformed gas pedal person, I would like to say, recovery is a constant effort. To take the focus off of others, to understand that no one is responsible for your happiness, NO ONE, except you, can be hard for reformed “people pleasers”. I had to channel my energy into owning my part in my happiness or lack thereof. Outward validation had to stop. I had to stop blaming others for allowing them to take advantage of me. I would listen to so many podcasts every day on self-love and happiness and growth mindset. I started to heal that little girl who learned so early on, that she wasn’t enough. I still struggle, every day to check in with myself. I still have an immensely hard time saying no. But I actively work on slowing down and that has brought so much gratitude into my life. I went from being so lost, to being found again and with that hard work that got me safely back home, came so much love and happiness. And you know who did that? Me.
The energy I gave to everyone constantly, I finally decided to give to myself. I started being aware of how many horrible things I said to myself throughout the day. I talked back to that negative voice, out loud. I said nice things instead of bad and I did affirmations. As cheesy as that sounds, it works. I still struggle with self worth as I think so many over-achievers do, and I'll probably always have to work on it. But this is the journey. I no longer look for an end point, instead, I find the joy in trying. I find the peace and dignity in choosing the practice of loving myself. Its not that I’ll ever stop being there for those around me- its just that I now see why it’s so important to be there for me too. I fill my cup and try to appreciate every day, and every moment. Even the hard ones.
I stopped thinking that “one day” I will have time for me. One day, I'll deserve it. That day is today people. Tomorrow is never promised and today is a gift and we shouldn’t waste one single moment feeling stuck or being in a place that doesn’t serve us in some way. We don’t have to love every step of our journey, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is if you take the time to slow down and to get quiet and be alone and handle the things your feeling- the things you’ve been through, your whole life can change. Get a great therapist, confide in the friends you trust, and do the things you always wanted to do. Once upon a time we have all struggled with feeling lost. Stop making yourself so busy that you never have the chance to feel the grace of slowing down, taking a break, and loving and appreciating how absolutely magnificent you are. And you all are my friends.
This is how we go through it, guys.
Love, Nikki
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