My First Valentines Without My Mama

My first valentines without my mama... 10/10 do NOT recommend.

So, I know what your thinking. “Why would Valentine’s Day make you miss your mom”? The answer is pretty simple actually. Everything makes me miss my mom. When your mom is your go-to, your confidant, your hype man, your strongest support… missing her seems to seep into every single aspect of your life. And Valentine’s day is included in that. My mom always made a huge deal out of any holiday, and that meant almost every holiday felt special to us. In turn, any holiday can feel like an attack on your heart, when your missing someone.

When I was little, I would wake up and go downstairs to the kitchen and my mom would have three piles of goodies laid out for all three kiddos, and I would smile and open my card and quickly take my chocolate and sweets upstairs because I didn’t want my sister stealing any (#candythief). These little holidays were special to me because of my mom. Now, facing each new holiday without her is like a thousand tiny stabs to my heart throughout the day. I can’t explain why it hurts. It just does.

As we got older, you think that would stop my mom from bringing us our Valentine treats? Nope. They kept coming each year except in place of the carefully curated Valentine’s day bags, we had the little plastic ones filled with our favorite chocolate and candy. And of course, she always had a card… “Love Mom and Dad xoxoxo”. Her hand writing was always perfect.

You know, I always thought it was so weird that I couldn’t throw away those cards. She didn’t write a long paragraph, she just signed it from her and my dad and always the xo. Now my resistance to chucking them in the trash makes total sense to me. Looking at her handwritten sign off makes my heart ache. To know that I won’t ever open up a card from her again, it’s hard to wrap my brain around. I wonder if she knew how much those always meant to me? I wonder if she knew I kept piles of old cards I couldn’t part with, all around my house? Maybe she knows now.

Holidays don’t seem as fun anymore. They feel flat and empty. Because at the end of the day, it’s not really about the holiday. Its about the people you spend the holiday with. It’s the traditions. It’s the connection. When the usual suspects are missing, things inevitably won’t feel the same. Have you lost someone close to you that makes it hard to feel the same way about a day that used to feel so good to you? If you have, I’m so sorry. I hope you know your not alone. This has been the first time I have been able to express my despair surrounding “special” days. Until now I haven’t been able to explore that feeling because it’s been too hard for me. I still can’t think about my first birthday without my mom serenading me. I just can’t even think of it yet. And that’s ok.

So, to anyone who is missing their person this Valentines… either to their passing, or having to work, military men and women thousands of miles from their loved ones, or for any other reason; I see you. I’m with you in spirit and I’m sending all of my best vibes your way in hopes to bring those who need it, a tiny bit of comfort. I know we are strong enough to get through today, and the next, and then the next. So much of this life is out of our control, it feels good to be purposeful and to let those who need it know that they are not alone in their grief on holidays and that it's ok to be sad. Just let’s not stay there, okay? And if you haven’t heard it yet today… to you… yes YOU…. Happy Valentines Day.

Love, Nikki