Every Time I Go To Call You

I got some good news today

I felt this rush of happiness and

I went to grab my phone

to call you and tell you-

my first thought, my instinct always,

my whole life,

I can’t wait to tell you.

You see, it goes like this

*Goes to grab phone, *happiness

*Memory hits, and my heart feels

cracked

actually cracked inside, like if you took an x-ray

You would see so many broken pieces,

Where one heart used to be.

And I stop in my tracks.

I can’t call.

You’re not there anymore

and that feeling makes me question

everything I have ever known. One day

here

gone the next.

You see, it feels like

my anchor, my rudder

the thing that always made sure I was steering in the right direction

the person who always helped me know

I was going the right way

is just poof…

Gone.

Happy moments, used to feel so much happier

the ache that I have in my chest where your pride used to be

it hurts so bad.  Its dull and sharp all at the same

time.

You see, you were my person in this place. My protector,

the person who defended my actions and myself

so fiercely

the human bullshit detector

the person I could always count on

to make sure I was doing the right things.

A mirror reflecting the best parts of

me

and so I wake up and I go to work

and I get good news

or bad news

and I go to call. Like I always do.

And a sharp knife

slides right between my ribs

and into my heart

a quick reminder that my happy now

has changed and can’t be what my happy

used to be

without your participation in it.

Every time I go to call you

I stop myself just before my hand reaches my phone.

I stop in general.

I sink a bit.

I wait for the pain to pass and I pretend like

I’m fine.

Every time I go to call you,

I remember how much I need you.

I try to make this new reality, real

but if I’m honest, my mind won’t really let it sink

in. Most days anyway.

I think that’s why

I still talk to you in the car

like a very long-distance call to heaven

or wherever you are… “hey ya- it’s me,

listen to what happened today”

only where your laughter and voice would be

is empty air and quiet.

A quiet I haven’t had in my life and so I’m still

getting used to it. A quiet, that only

you

can replace.

So, every time I go to call you,

it’s more about understanding it’s a forever sort of silence.

and maybe one day

I’ll accept that.  

Love,

Nikki