Hi. I’m a woman, and I love being a woman. (Most of the time….)
As a woman in today’s world, I think I speak for many of us when I say…oof. We got it rough at times ladies. Now – before I get going, this is not to say that men don’t have it hard either. I have said it before and I will say it again- good men have the weight of the world on their shoulders. I don’t envy men for the pressure they feel to provide, care for, protect and be all they need to be for their families, jobs etc. That being said, there are a few things that I wish men knew because I think it would not only help them navigate the female species a bit better, but it may help the women they are connected to as well.
1. We are SO, fu&%ing, tired.
Somehow, women were given the message, that we can “do it all”. And yep- we can! Unfortunately, as I’ve learned over the last almost 21 years, we can’t “do it all” at once. Not well anyway… and not feeling great. This feminist message was skewed and cost of living went up and us women found ourselves now requiring 40 plus hour careers, at the same time as raising kids, taxi cab service, cooking, cleaning, being supportive wives, helpful daughters, and the list goes on. As a 40 plus hour a week professional and a mom of two… who lived that 60 or more-hour work week life with two kids in a sport every single season, I can say with confidence; we are tired. We are really, truly, and deeply tired. This tired feeling can affect our happiness, our health, and our connection to our husbands(and everyone else). We at times get stuck on autopilot. We disengage as sort of a survival method, and this can make us seem disconnected to our spouses. Most of us wish the men in our lives knew how much this burnt out feeling seeps into almost every aspect of our lives. Because of this, the tiniest effort to comfort us and help us feel calmer and more appreciated goes very, very far. We won’t often say it, and most of us LOVE our careers, but there are times that we watch the stay at home moms and we get jealous. We love what we do, (I genuinely love working and my career) but in the thick of raising our babies, we watch stay at home moms and we sometimes fantasize about getting to fully focus on raising our kiddos. And I am sure even the stay at home mammas out there feel drained and tired too- because that is some of the toughest work out there. I wish men knew how tired we are as we try to be the soft and caring mom, and the strong and efficient worker/ provider, and the woman you fell in love with, all at once.
2. We feel some type of guilty- every single second of the day.
Maybe it’s the Catholic upbringing, my work hours, my scattered brain, or all of the above… but I constantly feel as though I don’t do enough. I don’t take care of the kids enough, I don’t pay attention to my husband the way I should, I didn’t do a good enough job on that work project, I should have been kinder to my co-worker, I didn’t call to say happy birthday to my sister… the list goes on and on… and on. If you see me at any point in the day, please know I am internally beating the shit out of myself for not doing something or handling something better. Women end up feeling guilty for even small things – like spending money on themselves or doing basic shit they wouldn’t think twice about doing for someone else. I don’t know why we do this, my mom always said “guys don’t get the guilt thing because they just don’t have guilt like we do”. I have asked my husband on occasion to test her theory- “do you feel guilty all the time”? Husband: “No why would I”? Me: “like, just for multiple things throughout your day”. Husband: *Blank stare/has no idea what I’m talking about. So, to all the men we know and love, most of us are carrying around an immense amount of guilt or concern that is usually self-deprecating and has other people’s wellbeing in mind. Because of this we get tired and cranky sometimes. We feel defeated. We feel deflated. Sometimes we need a boost of “man you do a lot and you are doing a such great job”, or “I don’t know how you do it all, it’s amazing”. Just those simple words- just one sentence- can give us so much peace sometimes. A quick reminder to snap us out of our shame spirals(that often aren’t warranted in the first place).
3. We have spent a lifetime being told to strive for a beauty standard that literally doesn’t exists in the real world.
We don’t look like movies stars (even the movie stars don’t really look like the movie stars) and as women, this causes us some pain and confusion sometimes. Everywhere we have looked since we were babies, women are told they need to be less than to be the best. Less weight, less vocal, less intimidating, less loud… just… less. We have been paid less for the same work, we have been called a bitch where a man would be called assertive and focused, we have been called sluts when men have been called “the man”. We can’t look at TV, movies, or any social media without seeing half naked women, with surgically altered body parts, filled lips, sucked out waists and botoxed skin…. UNDERNEATH the mutli-layers of photo shop. The damage this causes young girls and women is immense and we have been bombarded with these images, of what we “should” be – in life, at home, at work, in bed… and we are trying to live up to some absolutely insane standard- that by the way- doesn’t even exists in real life. And it sucks. It’s really… really hard on us. I think, if a man could feel the way it feels as a female, to be constantly bombarded with oversexualized, over-filtered and let’s be honest, simply fake images and videos of what we are “supposed” to be as females- it would help them to understand how we are led to eating disorders, complete unhappiness with our bodies and a total disconnect with what it is to be a woman. I remember looking at my C-section scar and stretch marks after I had my son at 22 years old, and thinking wow, I will never be beautiful again. I just gave birth to a whole human and instead of marveling at the miracle that was my healthy body- I spent way too much time planning how to “take off the baby weight”. If I could go back in time with my new love of myself I would. It’s our culture and society that has done that damage to women and if you’re not an active part of trying to change that, you are part of the problem. And no, I am not against plastic surgery- if you have something that you want to alter… for YOU- for yourself and for your own personal satisfaction… I fully support you doing what you feel is right for you. What you do to your body is fully up to you! One day- I will get a tummy tuck to take care of the forever pooch I have from two c-sections. The amazing part of that is when I do it- I will say goodbye to that part of me while loving it at the same time, because that is what brought me my two kids. It has taken me 20 years to get to that space. It took me almost 30 years to learn how to love my body. Some women never get there. Dear men, love your women, tell them they are the most beautiful creatures you have ever seen, tell them they are enough, and help them feel loved. Help raise your soon to be men to cherish women, real, cellulite covered- rounded belly- curvy- skinny- buff- pudgy- just every kind of amazing woman. Take that energy you give to hitting like on a filtered post of an image that is literal fiction- and focus on the real-life baddie you have right in front of you. I am forever grateful to have a man in my life who makes sure I know how beautiful I am, especially when I doubt myself. I want that same support for every woman.
4. We really and truly, want you to pick where to eat.
Sometime, between getting married, having kids, and everything in-between, we become decision making robots. We tend to also organize much of our kids’ activities, appointments, and well- life stuff and all of this paired with our to-do list and work and everything, makes us a bit indecisive when the choice isn’t super important. So, when you ask us where we want to eat- and we sit there saying we don’t know, and you get frustrated… please know that we are weighing what we want- what we think you want, what the kids may want, and multiple fictional scenarios if we choose the wrong place. This is why when men ask us where we want to eat, we just sort of freeze up and glaze over and ultimately end up begging them to pick. Men… every once in a while, tell your special lady where you’re going out to eat. Have a whole thing planned. Make it special, and don’t make her think.
This is how we get through it, guys. One dinner we didn’t have to plan at a time😉
Love,
Nikki
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